Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
