I'm sorry my penis didn't work
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
