i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
