____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
