Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
