I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize