im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
