is your mom at the bar?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
