I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
