Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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