2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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