What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
