It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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