i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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