So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
