Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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