it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
