Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
