Need sex. Gaining weight.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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