Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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