I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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