I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
