You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
If I had your ass I would rule the world
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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