Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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