just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
