I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
