If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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