last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
