Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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