Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
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captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
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This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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