he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
