I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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