my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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