My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
