well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
