I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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