It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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