Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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