I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
