you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
