i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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