happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize