I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
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you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So. Much. Porn.
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