new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
