Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
