so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
