I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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