Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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