I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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