The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
