i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
