And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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