I can text with my tongue
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
