His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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