Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
